The following thought crossed my mind today, and I felt rather Carrie Bradshaw-like. "I couldn't help but wonder..." Why do we go back to the things that hurt us?
The second chance of which I wrote in my previous post turned out to be nothing more than a brief opportunity to reconnect. A fleeting moment, really, in the grand scheme of each others' lives. But I started to think about why I considered giving this person a second chance in the first place. Why did I want to reconnect with someone who had hurt me? I knew what would happen. I knew it would be the same as before. But my inner cockeyed optimist (gold star to the musical theatre geek who gets that reference) ignored what the realistic me knew instinctively and gave this person--let's call them Jersey--gave Jersey the benefit of the doubt. For whatever reason, I fight off the urge to think the worst of people. I nearly always give people more credit than they deserve. And don't you know that that's the surest way to get disappointed? And don't you know that's the surest way to get hurt?
I have a friend who's currently giving someone a second chance, so that, too, feeds the inspiration for this post. From what I can gather, this girl really messed with him the last time. Why would you want to go back to that? Why would any rational, intelligent, common sensical adult choose to go back to someone that hurt them? To a situation that was not good for them? Do we enjoy the pain? Is it part of our love of the game? The possibility of the win? What propels us back into the arms of someone who may just let go again? Who wasn't strong enough to hold onto us the first time?
If you've already repaired your broken heart, and tucked the memories of the person away into a safe little box, then you would think the matter closed. A phone call or a chance meeting with them should not matter. Is it the fact that the good times trump the bad? Perhaps it's the opportunity to show real forgiveness (the existence of which I sometimes doubt), the chance to tell/show this person that while they've hurt you, you hold no grudge against them, and you've chalked it all up to experience. That's all good and well--if you don't open the wound wide enough for them to stab at it again. Is the feeling of pain worth it just to feel something-anything-at all? (There's a Three Day's Grace song about this; I highly recommend it.)
But why, when there's another door open--a door to something new, a door to something that could make you happy, a door to a room you've never dared to enter (or that you've maybe only peeked your head into)--would you not walk through it? Why not take the chance that you've never taken? Because it's just as scary? Because you could end up getting hurt either way? But you've not ever been hurt by anything behind door #2...Door #2 has been open for you for some time now, and you've not let yourself walk through it. Door #2 wants you to pick them. There's something great behind it. Let's make a deal...
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Second Chance?
Two weeks ago, I got a most unexpected phone call. It was 12:45 p.m., I was sitting at my desk, and my bosses were mere feet from me. Upon seeing the number and recognizing it as a New Jersey number, a name flashed through my head. No, it couldn't possibly be. Why would he be calling me on some random...no, it's not. Tentatively, I answered. "Hello?" "Hey!" --pause for attempt at voice recognition-- It sounds like...but why? Maybe? "I'm sorry, who is this?" --laughter. Unmistakeable, unforgettable laughter. -- Oh my God, it is. "Hey! How-how are you?" Shocked beyond words and flustered, I managed to get out of my office and find a quiet place to carry on the conversation. The first conversation I'd had with this person in 3 months. This person that I hadn't seen in 7 months and that, quite frankly, I didn't expect to see or hear from again. Small talk ensued. Get to the point, here. Why did you call me at 12:45 p.m. on a random Thursday in July after we haven't spoken in 3 months and I never expected to hear from you again??? "I was wondering if maybe you wanted to get together." --heart stops. head spins.-- "Sure, um, yeah!" Damn, I made myself sound too available. Conversation ended not long after that, leaving us with the intent to make plans to see each other and me with the face-crackingest smile I'd worn in a long time. A smile I made no attempt to hide when I got back to my office. A smile which caused my bosses to give me a good-natured ribbing. A smile which left me completely unable to focus on anything for the next half hour.
We make plans to meet. After the incredibly stressful drive through the heart of Bucks County suburbia--minivans, strip malls, 35-mph traffic--and at first arriving at the wrong location, then getting lost on my way to the correct one--did I mention the apparent complete lack of parking at said location?--I arrived at the destination in question, nearly in tears and shaking. I managed to compose myself, and a few minutes later, managed to find the reason I had made such journey. The next hour and a half passed without much incident. It was slightly awkward, given that we hadn't seen each other since December of last year, but nothing that either of us couldn't handle. We talked, we walked, and we kissed (initiated by him, not I) before we parted. It seemed like the door that he reopened will remain that way, but I've walked through it with my feet on the ground; and I intend to keep them there.
So here I am, 5 days and one as-yet-unreturned voice mail later, wondering what's next. And, at the moment, failing miserably at my attempt to not think about it. I guess it's alright to have reopened the door (wound?) as long as we both know it's not going to go fullspeedahead and that there's the possibility that it may not work out again.
I can't help but wonder, though, would it have been better that the door remained closed? I had already given the whole thing a place in my book of memories and made peace with it. More wonderings include: Did I have so much trouble getting to the place we were supposed to meet because I shouldn't have been going there at all? Will I hear from him again? Would he really reopen the door if he didn't intend to walk through it? Why after all this time would he decide to contact and see me? Did he think the date (?) went worse than he expected, and that the whole thing was a bad idea after all? What is the meaning of life? (Just kidding with that last one, folks) I always think the worst until I have reason not to. A flaw in my character, I suppose. At least if the worst happens, you're ready for it.
fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me.
We make plans to meet. After the incredibly stressful drive through the heart of Bucks County suburbia--minivans, strip malls, 35-mph traffic--and at first arriving at the wrong location, then getting lost on my way to the correct one--did I mention the apparent complete lack of parking at said location?--I arrived at the destination in question, nearly in tears and shaking. I managed to compose myself, and a few minutes later, managed to find the reason I had made such journey. The next hour and a half passed without much incident. It was slightly awkward, given that we hadn't seen each other since December of last year, but nothing that either of us couldn't handle. We talked, we walked, and we kissed (initiated by him, not I) before we parted. It seemed like the door that he reopened will remain that way, but I've walked through it with my feet on the ground; and I intend to keep them there.
So here I am, 5 days and one as-yet-unreturned voice mail later, wondering what's next. And, at the moment, failing miserably at my attempt to not think about it. I guess it's alright to have reopened the door (wound?) as long as we both know it's not going to go fullspeedahead and that there's the possibility that it may not work out again.
I can't help but wonder, though, would it have been better that the door remained closed? I had already given the whole thing a place in my book of memories and made peace with it. More wonderings include: Did I have so much trouble getting to the place we were supposed to meet because I shouldn't have been going there at all? Will I hear from him again? Would he really reopen the door if he didn't intend to walk through it? Why after all this time would he decide to contact and see me? Did he think the date (?) went worse than he expected, and that the whole thing was a bad idea after all? What is the meaning of life? (Just kidding with that last one, folks) I always think the worst until I have reason not to. A flaw in my character, I suppose. At least if the worst happens, you're ready for it.
fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Let's see if I'm any good at this...
Hello out there! I'm trying my hand at blogging after being inspired by friends of mine whose musings I enjoy (I'm looking at you Alissa, Heather, and Patti!). And because I've always found that seeing my oft-scrambled thoughts written out helps me make sense of them.
So this is just the introduction today...I'm a 23-year-old living in (and loving) Philadelphia and trying to make my way into adulthood, apply to and afford grad school, avoid the pitfalls of the dating world (although that's quite the Herculean task, I've found), and enjoy as much of the Delaware Valley on as little money as possible (allowing for the occasional splurge, of course. Some of the topics that have been grabbing my attention the most lately include yoga, theology, social networking, and trying to convince people how important the arts are and why they should spend money on them in an economy like this.
Speaking of which...maybe I should get back to work.
Til next time, kids.
So this is just the introduction today...I'm a 23-year-old living in (and loving) Philadelphia and trying to make my way into adulthood, apply to and afford grad school, avoid the pitfalls of the dating world (although that's quite the Herculean task, I've found), and enjoy as much of the Delaware Valley on as little money as possible (allowing for the occasional splurge, of course. Some of the topics that have been grabbing my attention the most lately include yoga, theology, social networking, and trying to convince people how important the arts are and why they should spend money on them in an economy like this.
Speaking of which...maybe I should get back to work.
Til next time, kids.
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